Like any other self-respecting nerd/geek, I’ve often dreamt of becoming a superhero entrusted with saving the world from invaders and overall debauchery. While some of my peers still aspire to this, I have found that the onset of adulthood has introduced some complications — or what I call, common sense — into my interpretations of how good a scenario this would make.

For my seven severely silly but slightly sensible reasons not to be a superhero click into the rest of the post…

Inclement Weather
You may be skeptical of how big of a nuisance inclement weather can be (Really? Rain?) but the truth is that this category covers so much more — mainly the cold.

As the type who can’t stand waiting at the bus stop when the temperature takes a dip below 50, I’m hardly the candidate for keeping the world safe. After all, I’ve never heard of a villain who just decides to not attack during the winter. If anything this is when they attack the most. Silly superheroes cuddled around trees and fireplaces, too busy worrying about their Christmas lists to take note of an impending invasion — yeah, it’s been done before.

In fact the new Doctor Who series has made it a habit for shit to happen on Christmas, even using staples of the yuletide itself to attack. (Deadly spinning Christmas tree pose a slight hazard.) So be prepared and take note, your evil nemesis will try to kill you before you open your gifts from granny and he won’t wait for you to put your reindeer sweater on.

And while superhero movies may taut specially designed suits that guarantee thermal protection, in the real world you’re left to your knickers and a layer of spandex. Do you really think your mentor/compatriots will care about the chill you get fighting intergalactic scum in the winter? They’ll brush off your complaints and explain that your body heat combined with adrenaline will keep you warm. That may suffice for a one-two punch in the gut, but serious superheroism requires battles that leave you drenched in sweat and blood. Unless you’re a Power Ranger or something G-rated and aired on Saturdays.

Relationships
Thanks to people, who always tend to be involved, relationships will always be an issue and source of stress. Now combine normal disagreements, jealousy issues, and privacy concerns with the complications that arise from evil doppelgangers, kidnappings, and breaking up in order to keep the other party safe, and you have a situation that’s ready to hit critical with the first kiss.

There’s also the question of enemies and allies who will always be there and will have the tendency to be hot. Now, I’m as down for this one-true-love business as the next person, but if there’s a super hot, super charismatic masked villain/ally who raises his eyebrow at me in a decidely less-than-nefarious way, I’m going to need room in this relationship.

Style
Fighting crime is admirable. Looking cool is enviable. Accomplishing both at the same time is practically undoable. In order to fight crime/invasions/your mama you’ll need the right tools and gears, and safe clothing. Of course, anyone who has ever seen a bungee jumper or a hang glider knows that safe is not synonymous with sexy. And while you can argue that a superhero won’t need a helmet, kneepads, or mouth guard, the fact that your outfit will have to stand up to your powers (stretching, turning to fire, and super speed are good examples) remains. Face it, you’re not going to look hot. You’ll probably look a bit ridiculous.

Respect
You spit bullets, defeat evildoers, and save children from burning buildings. This still makes you an asshole. Come on, you’re like that suck-up kid in homeroom that kept trying too hard. Can I clap the erasers? Can I empty the trash? Can I recite every prime number up to 100? People are going to hate you if you make a habit of showing up to do their jobs — and everything else — all the time. Use some judgment in the calls for help that you respond to, and try not to be too nice. Sure you can save that suicidal man from falling to his death, but make sure to drop him on his ass while degrading his last bit of self-worth in the process. He might go home and slash his wrists, but at least there’s no television crew there.

Sex
You’re never going to have the time and even if you did your balls of steel/golden vagina of truth would make the deed impossible. Or you could simply be like Rogue of the X-Men and repel everyone through the sheer force of your personality — oh and the whole killing people with your hands thing.

Days Off
Like the inclement weather and sex categories touched upon — it’s never going to happen. Just when you think you’ll have a nice relaxing day at the amusement park, some jackass will show up and turn all of the boardwalk shop owners into zombies that fight with water balloons. Even a night at the opera turns into soul-sucking harpies who control audience members’ brains through the power of soundwaves. And if you do somehow manage a day off, it’s because much bigger shit is going down elsewhere and you’re going to have to take the blame later for not preventing it.

This post was originally published on February 14, 2008. It’s seen undergone some changes for the better.