1. Fey-king It
After months of speculation, Repelican nominee John McCain chose Tina Fey as his vice-presidential running mate. Tina Fey would go on to publicly embarrass the entire party when she tripped and shot former Vice President Dick Cheney in the foot during the Miss Alaskan Pie contest.
"Potpourri? No, that's the smell of death and fear. I got it at Wal-mart.
2. The Digital Daytime War
A new cybernetic foot wasn’t enough for Cheney who became addicted to bionic parts and changed his name to Cy-Cheney. Promptly deleting the Internet with the help of his new powers, Cy-Cheney used the newly launched Skynet to begin a digital war against daytime television. The war would see the best fighting days of the all-woman military platoon known as simply as “The View.”
On a slow day of the war, Cy-Cheney goes to buy milk. And lots of guns
3. Showdown at High Noon
Years of the Digital Daytime War had left America without hope until a lone drifter by the name of Hillary Clinton rolled into town. She was quickly outshone by her deputy sheriff, Barack Obama, who went on to be named Democarp nominee for president, though Clinton refused to hand over her badge for a decade.
"Grab him like this and then I'll land the winning punch. Presidency in the can, baby!" "Um, yeah, about that. The rest of the party and I have been talking."
4. Joe-king Around
At this point the historical record differs on whether Obama chose Joe Biden or Joe the Plumber as his vice-presidential running mate. One writer of the times noted Joe’s porcelain whites, a reference to either Biden’s pearly whites or the state in which Joe the Plumber left the White House’s toilets.
"I have a portrait in my attic that keeps getting older in my place. Yay, me!"
5. “Politico-mon”
The climax of the Digital Daytime War came when Cy-Cheney and Obama faced each other using only acorns as weapons. Cy-Cheney was quickly defeated and replaced by McCain. Emerging from a red-and-white ball held by a determined Tina Fey in a baseball cap, McCain readied his supercharged attack that had probably been copyrighted by Nintendo. Witnesses at the time stated that McCain communicated by repeated use of the word “POW.”
"Go, McCain! Sunshine Beam Attack!"
6. We Don’t Really Know
Some stuff happened. It might have involved an ostrich and electricity votes of some kind. Or an awesome duel with light sabers. Yeah…light sabers. To be honest, the historical record ends here with the appointment of Queen Angelina Jolie and King Brad Pitt to rule over the United States. They promptly made plumbing illegal and their 300 children went on to rule all the lands of the world.
"Hello, America! We're here in Alaska and I actually CAN see Russia." "Actually, Brad, it's called Putinia now."
