I’m Fairly Certain Barbie is Some Kind of Whore

Today marked Barbie’s 50th anniversary, a fact which you probably cared as little about as I did. Still, with all the controversy there was about whether or not Barbie had set back the feminist movement; destroyed little girls’ self-images; or had just given them the audacity to dream of one day becoming an astronaut, veterinarian, or secretary; there’s one thing you most likely didn’t hear: that Barbie is a big, fat whore.

OK, more like a very slender and shapely whore, but a whore nonetheless. Now, I’m not one to judge what other women do in their spare time, or who they do for that matter, but there’s a difference between owning your whoreship and denying it. Being a whore and paying taxes on it: fine (and good for the economy!). Pretending not to be whore: bad a very good blog topic.

Let’s look at the evidence shall we:

You’re Looking Good Barbie – Too Good

What do whores and runway models have in common aside from expensive cocaine habits? An emaciated frame of course. Doctors and feminists have spent decades bemoaning Barbie’s next-to-impossible measurements. With a big bust and tiny hips and waist, we have to ask: who is Barbie staying so thin and trim for? Until 2004 (when they broke up*) we could have said Ken, but research has shown that women in relationships tend to gain weight thanks to a sense of security and poor eating habits of their mate.

Explanation: Barbie is a whore who must look good for business.
Back-up Explanation: Barbie is anorexic — and probably still a whore.

Clothes Are Expensive – Why So Many Barbie?

I think I have a lot clothing but I’ve never had to, say, bring an entire trunk of clothing with me at all times. Look at any little girl carrying Barbie and there’s sure to be a matching case with skirts and accessories aplenty. Winter, spring, fall – it’s all there, and if Barbie should lose a shoe, who cares? There’s always another pair of heels where that one came from. But all that clothing must get expensive Barbie; who’s paying for it? And why the need for the constant change in wardrobe? Hiding from someone?

Also, these are clearly whore clothes.

Explanation: Actually, this may be too much clothing for your everyday whore.
Back-up Explanation: Barbie is an expensive whore.

Barbie Has 50 Sisters – Is Her Mom Mormon or Something?

By 50, I clearly meant four, but my point still stands. Barbie appears to be in her late 20s and yet has had a string of little sisters popping up over the years. While I’m fully prepared to believe that teenage Skipper is Barbie’s little sister, the addition of elementary-school-aged Stacie, toddler Kelly, and baby Krissy created a sense of doubt in me even as a child. Either Barbie’s parents really love each other (and this could be plausible considering how we’ve never once seen them) or it’s far more likely that Barbie missed a few trips to Planned Parenthood.

Explanation: Barbie’s parents are covering for their eldest daughter’s mistakes in life.
Back-up Explanation: Barbie’s mother is hotter than Barbie — and also a whore.

Think about it: the expensive clothing; the constant career changes; the menagerie of animals, cars, and dreamhomes. Barbie is obviously living a charmed life and it comes at about $700 an hour.

*It has since been brought to my attention that Barbie and Ken reconciled in 2006. To this I respond with: Really? Are you people honestly making up a storyline for a set of dolls? That’s as lame as someone doing an entire blog post about Barbie being a who — OK, I see what you did there.

**Think I went too far by calling Barbie a whore? My mom does too. You guys should like, get together and talk or something.

***Borrowed Barbie sisters image from www.kisenohouse.com but I don’t think they’d be keen on a live link from a post like this.