In case you haven’t heard, Dora the Explorer has been tarted up – or at least that’s what people are assuming based on the silhouette (below) that Nickelodeon has released as a teaser. And by people, I mean parents who we all know don’t count as real people because they’re always five steps removed from reality.*

Not exactly the Mudflap Girl, you know.

It’s clear that the only reason there’s been a redesign is to lure in older girls who may have outgrown Dora and to capitalize on more merchandising opportunities. (Sexy Dora the Explorer lip gloss anyone?) Looking at the silhouette, I fail to see what the problem is. She’s wearing a tunic dress and grew out her hair. Gasp. Someone call the pedo police.

Actually, I think I’m just bitter because there was no outcry when the icons of my youth got their millennial redesigns from hell. Strawberry Shortcake? She went from quaint and folksy to a glossy covergirl. See the difference? My childhood 80s Strawberry Shortcake looks like a girl whose cheeks you’d pinch; the redesign looks like a girl whose cheeks you’d pinch.**

On the left, the 80s Shortcake. On the right, the '08 version.

There was also a brief hip-hop lesbian moment that we won’t go into.

Jeans == lesbian, obviously. Obviously.

And who can forget Polly Pocket? The Polly I knew was hardly attractive with her blonde mini-afro, making her reason for hiding in a plastic container in your pocket rather understandable. Polly Pocket sets didn’t even come with friends for her for the longest to reinforce this social pariahism.

Somewhere down the line though, someone realized that God doesn’t like ugly and neither do little girls with pocket money and Christmahanakwanzikah lists.*** Thus, the new Polly Pocket who looks vaguely like Barbie. This Polly has a ponytail so you know she’s super-cute and cool and loved by all her multi-ethnic friends.

Having more than one white friend is fine as long as one of them is a redhead.

And then there’s Rainbow Brite.

I assure you there are multiple jokes for this one that I'm avoiding.

So in conclusion: parents stop complaining. You’re not real people anyway.****

*Are you a parent who’s reading this? Well, of course I didn’t mean you. You’re one of the cool ones. But don’t let the other parents know I gave you a pass.
**I typed this with a raised eyebrow so that you would know I meant it in a randy way.
***Oh and atheist/agnostic lists. Agnostic lists are complicated because they’re written in invisible ink so you can’t be quite sure you’ve written anything.
****But Soylent Green is.